Today I an strong

Today is day 10. She is still here, sat on my shoulder, wittering in my ear that I don’t need to do this. Today is day 10 and today I am stronger than her. I don’t remember a time that alcohol wasn’t a part of my life, I was 12 when I had my first illicit drink but I was far younger when I was allowed to partake at family occasions. Christmas, Birthdays, impromptu family get togethers and pretty much any other occasion you could think of, was centred around alcohol. It was ‘normal’ for friends and relatives to get pissed, argue, fight and stagger off home only to come back and all was forgiven. I was fascinated by this as a child because there were no consequences, it was like nothing has ever happened and everything reverted back to normal until the next time.
I think this is what first attracted me to drinking, this sense of freedom and complete lack of responsibility was magical! I was brought up in a culture of do as I say and not as I do which made no sense to me as a youngster when what they were doing was far more interesting and the what I say bit was just the same as doing and saying what you wanted because you were drunk. It was all knowing smirks and wink wink!
The first time I got drunk I was 8. My mothers family are Irish and alcohol was as much a part of their heritage as their DNA. I loved the uncles coming around with their crates of beer and bottles of golden whiskey, I knew the house would be full of laughter and crude jokes and I could get away with absolutely anything because nobody was paying attention to anything other than knocking back the drinks like they were going out of fashion. There was always somebody who would pass you a sneaky drink while nobody was looking but everybody could see, I knocked them back, over and over and remember nothing of the rest of the night. No memories of the room spinning, being sick or feeling awful just waking up the next day with a raging headache and being allowed to stay on the sofa for the day watching TV and being patted on the back because I handled it like a true trooper. Go me!

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Faith

What is the plan? I don’t believe in God so its looking like I have to pull my finger out and get my shit together. I used to think that there was some kind of divine plan and  some things were just meant to be, there is really no point trying to control something that is just going to happen anyway so lets go with the flow!

Well that flow is proving to be a whole load of bullshit, poisoning my thought processes, tarnishing opportunities and well just plain screwing me right over. I am sat here tonight having a bit of a word with myself

Me: Today I am not going to have a drink because I’ve got this, I even wrote about it this morning so yes I am in control

Dark me: But this could be a winner, think about it if we can find a really good reason why you should have a bottle of wine tonight then its ok.

I am now actively engaged in this mental debate, is a couple of glasses really going to do any harm?

And so it goes on and on and on

Its so tiring this argument especially because I know that I am in charge of the plan so I have to get my big girl pants on and bloody deal with this